Warning: Quite a few fucks today.
Precisely four days ago I woke up to what felt like a gigantic shift in perspective. I felt as though I'd been whacked over the head with the baseball bat of truth.
It was one of those moments when everything suddenly felt clear. You know those moments, right? Those moments when there's a big feeling of expansiveness and just so much YES YES YES.
Those moments can be hard to hold onto. Sometimes they're glimpsed just momentarily before you're sucked back into all the doubts and fears and every day worry of life.
So I whipped out my notebook and journaled, capturing what I could of this feeling - this KNOWING - this deep and sudden understanding about my life and my entire fucking purpose.
Here's what I wrote:
"My purpose is following my heart. NOTHING else. My purpose is growth. My purpose isn't this project or that cause although all those things may (or may not) happen in the pursuit of my TRUE purpose which is to FOLLOW MY HEART. To have the courage to keep following it. To keep going into the new and unknown. To become so open to life that I just go wherever my heart takes me, no matter whether it makes logical sense or not.
THAT is my ultimate purpose. Because it's about having no fear of life. Knowing I will ALWAYS be ok and that I can always handle everything.
THIS is my mission. THIS is my purpose. Oh my God I can't believe I've been missing it this whole time. To trust whatever comes and follow that."
And let me just back track and tell you a bit about where this came from.
Even though things have been moving forward and business is going well and I feel SO much more on track since earlier this year when I really decided to say a big FUCK THAT to niching and trying to put myself in some tiny little good little business girl box and just LETTING GO of the idea that I need to label myself as one stupid thing just so I can go around the internet saying that's who I am and that's what I do....
Even though there's all of that, there's still been this question clawing and clawing at me.
What's my true purpose? What am I here to do? What's the THING I'm here to create?
And trying to figure it out has been draining my energy and driving me a bit insane. And really I should know by now that whenever I'm feeling that way it's because I've bought into an idea, thought up by someone else, about what an answer to a particular question should look like. And I'd bought into the idea that my purpose was some THING I needed to figure out and decide upon.
In fact, I recently saw this Shots of Awe video (and don't get me wrong, I LOVE Shots of Awe) which then lead me to reading this article in Forbes and then I actually nearly sat down with a pen and paper to do another insanely annoying and stupid exercise which involved writing lists to find my passion and purpose.
I mean HONESTLY I really ought to have known when I saw the title of the article: "The Passion Recipe: Four Steps to Total Fulfilment" that this was something that really WASN'T for me since I've basically become allergic to anything that tells me there's a recipe or formula or proven fucking system for figuring out the answers to the big questions in my life.
So anyway, this question had been gnawing and clawing at me. I was STILL trying to find a THING. Something I could construct. Something tangible to make me feel better and more in control and like I had something I could really go after.
And then I woke up four days ago and realised that my purpose isn't a THING. Not in the way that everyone else is trying to describe it to me.
My purpose is only and has ever only been to FOLLOW MY OWN HEART and to LEARN how to follow my heart more and more.
My purpose is to drop more and more of my inhibitions.
My purpose is to keep going into the unknown and the new and to grow and to explore and to take on whatever path or project or thing my HEART calls for.
My purpose is to get so fucking open to life that most people will think I've gone insane when in actual fact I'll be the most SANE person amongst them because I'll be living from a truly free and spontaneous place in which I DO NOT hold back.
Because honestly, even though it looks like I'm living my life on my own terms and doing what I want, how much further is there to go?
Who would I be and what would I do and what would I follow and where would I go if I truly let go of ALL the ideas and shoulds and fears?
Yesterday there were several heavy downpours in London. I'm talking torrential rain. I was walking to the supermarket when the heavens opened and I could feel myself getting grumpy about getting wet and my bag getting wet and just...urgh, rain.
And then I saw a little girl in a pink plastic raincoat with white hearts on and matching wellies and she was just stomping around with a MASSIVE grin on her face. Meanwhile, her dad (I assume it was her dad) was standing under the roof of the supermarket looking seriously pissed off and calling her to come back to where it was dry and well...to just stop having fun and enjoying life and being spontaneous and following her fucking heart.
And then I really had to stop and think - why am I so grumpy about the rain? Why am I so closed off to this?
What would I do if I hadn't become such a boring, serious, closed off, chained up, bound up adult?
Would I twirl around with my head turned upwards towards the sky, catching rain drops in my mouth?
Would I take the hands of the people passing me on the street and dance with them?
Would I sing as I went along "I'm singing in the rain, just singing in the rain..."?
The TRUTH is that even after these four years of following my heart and facing my fears - I'm still a closed off, chained up human being who, in so many ways, DOESN'T follow my heart.
And I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that THAT is my purpose on this planet.
To just get more and more open to life.
And I know it's the ONLY way my business can become what I truly want it to be. Because otherwise, what is it? It's just another place in which I'm trying to fit in and do what I think makes sense or what will work best rather than doing what I really want to do. What my HEART wants.
And I see this ALL the time in entrepreneurs I talk to. You have an idea about what you REALLY want to do. Some crazy fucking idea that makes no sense and you have no idea how it would work or how you'd turn it into a thing or how it'd make money.
So then you don't do it. You pick a different path. One that makes MORE sense. One that feels like it'll lead to results.
And the results might come. It might work. But will it be ultimately fulfilling? No way! Because your heart told you what it wanted and you said NO.
You said NO to your heart.
And when you say no to your heart, you're saying NO to your entire purpose on the planet. Which is to open to life. To move always and every time into the uncertainty and the unknown of the things you're truly called to.
To cast off the chains and drop the fear and let go of the inhibitions and become the person you know you are, somewhere inside beneath all the shit and stories and fear.
So today I just want to say this:
Give up trying to find your purpose as if it's a project or a thing or a cause and make your entire purpose FOLLOWING YOUR HEART - no matter what that looks like or how much sense (or non-sense) it makes.
Love and courage,