Daring to speak your truth

He's holding me.

I'm holding him.

He wanted to kiss me.

I told him 'no'.

I hurt him. He laid his heart open and I turned him away. He spoke his truth and I rejected it. I rejected him. He dared to do the the thing that few people dare to do.

He dared to go first.

But I couldn't give him what he wanted. Because it wasn't true for me.

He began to cry.

So did I.

And then I moved forward. I wanted to comfort him. To show him that it was ok.

And so we found ourselves here.

He's holding me.

I'm holding him.

He dares again to speak the truth of this moment.

"You don't want me near you", he says.

Agree with him. That would be the easiest thing. Agree with him and be done with discomfort.

Instead, I let out a big sigh.

"Leah, what's that big sigh about? Don't sigh your life away!"

It's our acting teacher, watching from the sidelines.

He instinctively knows what my sigh means. He knows it's a lie. A poor attempt to avoid the truth. To side step it. To not be in the discomfort.

But he's right.

There is so much weakness in that sigh. It's an avoidance of life. It's an avoidance of discomfort, yes, but it's also an avoidance of the possibilities that might be offered up to me if I dare to go through it.

The sigh has been my protection for so long.

Instead of speaking my truth, I sigh it away, too scared of what might happen if I let it out. I let the moment pass. And as I let the moment pass I let my life pass too. One sigh after another. All the time avoiding going first. All the time avoiding being in the discomfort of the truth of the moment.

Life slips by this way.

My partner says it again:

"You don't want me near you."

And this time I find it. The place inside me that has the courage to be here, in this moment, with him. And to say what's real.

"I do want you near me."

"You do want me near you", he echoes back to me.

"I do want you near me." My voice breaks.

"You do want me near you." His voice breaks too.

And it's true. It's what I want. I may not want him to kiss me: that's not the way I feel. But I want to be close to another human being. I want to feel that connection. That honesty. That truth between us.

And just like that our tears and sadness turn to laughter and we hold each other tight.

I'm getting better at this. In real life, I mean.

Speaking it out instead of swallowing it down. Out instead of in. The truth. My truth. Daring to go first. Not letting life slip by on a never ending sigh.

Daring is difficult, because I don't always get what I want. Sometimes I'm rejected, too.

But sometimes I dare and win. Sometimes I dare to say "I want to be near you" and I get the warmth and comfort of a few moments of real connection with another beating heart.

No more sighing.

No more sighing life away.

Instead, a willingness to say it out loud. Whatever 'it' may be.

And then to find out...

Where it will lead.

To get what you want, dare to go first. Take a risk. And know that no matter what happens, whether you get what you thought you wanted or not at all, you're still here, heart beating, breath moving, alive, whole, perfect and loved by life, always. Always.

Love and courage,