2012, back in my 9-5 job, there was an undeniable felt sense deep inside that 'this' wasn't it. Something inside me knew I wasn't created to be caged up in this way. And I don't just mean in the physical sense of the day in and day out of being seated in an office environment I loathed; I mean also all the ways in which one is required to conform - timings, behaviour, fashion, opinions.
Something inside me knew I was created to be entirely free. Mind. Body. Spirit.
And so as so many others have done before me and so many others have done after me and so many more will continue to do, I left. Because even though I had no physical proof, something told me that this thing that I felt that said I was created for something more, something different, was real.
And it is.
And so the journey begins.
"I know I'm here for something more, but how in hell do I figure it out?"
In leaving a job, you may have entered a new stage of freedom, but your thinking and behaviour are still very much wrapped up in old systems and ways of doing. You still search outside for the answers.
And the internet is ready with a lot of answers.
You can download any number of toolkits, blueprints, roadmaps, strategies, formulas and recipes to follow and work your way through, step-by-step, until you hit upon that thing you're desperately searching for - your true calling and purpose on this planet.
These things are not without use. They take you down the rabbit hole and into the maze of self-discovery. Reading this book leads to reading that book. This website points the way to that website. Every article you read or course you sign up for leads you to something new, taking you deeper into the journey.
But the problem is, as you go about this journey, reading this and reading that and signing up for this course and that course, you still think the answer is out there to be had, a defined thing that, once you know what it is, life will be easier and simpler. One more book and you'll get it. One more audio and you'll get it. One more class and you'll get it.
But you won't, because your thinking is skewed. You're asking the wrong question and as long as you continue to ask the wrong question, the thing you're actually searching for will be blocked from sight.
Your purpose and calling is something so much more than any downloadable toolkit or roadmap could ever cater for. Your purpose is a continuous and deepening journey inward. It's a journey of reflection, contemplation, meditation. It's a journey of unravelling the beliefs and behaviours that have been layered on top of your true nature over time. It's a journey back home to the truth - to the understanding that you are life itself - and as such you are free flowing, ever changing and without borders. You cannot be contained in any size or shape of box.
Someone wrote to me yesterday and asked:
How did you find the confidence to go against the 'norm' and be able to be so sure of what you want?
The answer to that is that I did and I didn't.
I did it once when I left my job and I've done it again in many ways since. But the truth is that the entire path is a journey of going against the 'norm'. It's not a do-it-once-and-and-then-it's-done thing. It's a continuous movement towards freedom.
I can say now, looking back over the last four years, that any time I've felt sure or certain of a particular 'thing' I thought I wanted or I thought I wanted to 'do' it's been wrong. The only thing I'm certain of is that the true joy of life is in learning to live in the complete uncertainty of it. To move with the flow of it all. To allow all the unique expressions of who I am to bubble up and come into form - whatever that form may be.
The internet is screwing you over because the message is that there's certainty to be found. Certainty is comfortable for everyone. It gives you something to do. Something to hold onto. Something to believe. A label to attach yourself to.
But you are beyond certainty. You are an ever changing unique expression of life itself. There are no rules. No boxes. No formulas to follow.
If you're looking for your purpose, passion and calling, by all means, download the toolkits - some of them are pretty good. But as you work your way through, keep one hand over your heart to remind yourself of the truth - your purpose is a path and by simple virtue of being alive, you're already living it. The only thing for you to do is to keep walking and journeying deeper into the truth of who you are - life itself.
Love and courage,