I binge ate my way through much of my twenties. I was unhappy. Eating was an escape. An anaesthetic to dull the pain. Loneliness, mostly. During the moments I was stuffing myself with the crappy food, I forgot about everything else. The worry, the fear, the misery. The loneliness.
Of course, as soon as the food was gone, those feelings came back with ten times the force, but coupled now with a sense of self loathing and disgust. I always promised myself tomorrow would be better. Sometimes it was. Often it wasn't.
And now, looking back from a place where life feels (mostly) good and I see how much I'm capable of and all the things I'm doing and creating and experiencing and all the things I still want to do and create and experience, I sometimes get really annoyed with myself.
Why didn't I look after my body better back then?
What if I've damaged it beyond repair?
What if I get diabetes or cancer or something else and it's all because of the way I abused my body for all those years?
What if I die when now, more than anything, I don't want to die? When now I want to be here and live and be alive and shine the light I know I have to shine. What if it's too late?
I cry at those thoughts, sometimes. They pull me in. I convince myself I've ruined my entire life.
Until I pull myself out and remember:
There's nothing I can do now to change what I did then. What matters is what I decide to do today. What matters is who I decide to be today. What matters is what I commit to today. What matters is now, today and all the days after that.
And that's what I need to share with you today. That's what I need you to hear and to know. Really, I need you to know.
Life is a hot mess. Unavoidable. You automatically got added to the list when you popped out into the world. You didn't sign up for it but that's the truth of what this life is.
You'll drink too much or eat too much or take too many drugs. You'll take your body for granted. Failed marriages. Relationships you stayed in too long. Missed opportunities. You'll hurt people and be hurt. You'll do more things wrong than you will right.
But none of that mess, none of those screws up, none of that time that you'll never get back - none of it means it's too late. None of it means you don't get to wake up and decide to start creating a different future starting today. Starting now.
There's nothing you can do now to change what you did then. You can choose to hold onto it if you want and let it keep you down. It won't serve you. Or you can draw a line under it. Forgive yourself for being human and ask yourself:
Who will I be TODAY?
What will I commit to TODAY?
What will I create TODAY?
And then you can go out and be it, commit to it, create it. Because your future reality always starts in the here and now. And lucky for you, as messy as life is, the here and now just keeps on coming back (until it doesn't) and asks you to choose again.
So choose. Forgive yourself all those past screw ups. And become today the person you want to be tomorrow.
Love and courage,